Should I be a Jerk or a Martyr?

I’ve done it. You’ve done it. At some point everyone has said one thing and thought another.

“Sure, I’d love to help you move on Saturday. I wasn’t doing anything.”

“No. That’s alright. I don’t mind seeing that movie.”

“No problem. I’ll stay late to get the job done.”

We think we are being polite and doing someone else a favor. That’s good, right?

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

You are not doing anyone any favours if you are gritting your teeth the whole time you are doing that thing that you hate. You will carry resentment, frustration and possibly be angry if the person doesn’t do something for you in return later. That’s not cool.

They might not even realize that you are doing them a favor. If you agree to go and see action film after endless action film and then feel hurt when he won’t go to a chick flick with you (or vice versa) then I’m sorry to say that you are the one who set yourself up for disappointment.

When you agree to go to a particular movie, restaurant or take on a chore then you need to find a way to bring acceptance to the situation or not do it at all. For example, you might think to yourself, “I really do want to help Jim move on Saturday because I will hate to think of him trying to do it all alone.”

If you can find a way to bring acceptance to the situation, then you should go for it. Hopefully, you will feel more than just acceptance and have fun and feel good about doing something nice. However, if you can’t, then it’s better to stay home than feel resentful later.

Healthy relationships need to be balanced, not one-sided, with a generous amount of  joyful give and take. Start by saying no a little more often and practice making your own requests that your needs are met once in awhile.

You don’t have to make a choice between being a martyr or a selfish jerk. With some practice, there is another way, where you learn to express your needs and desires and respect the needs of others with kindness and compassion.